i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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