Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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