I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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