I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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