Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
