somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
