My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
