My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
