Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
