dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
