and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
