omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
