i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
