It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
