someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
