I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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