I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
