I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
