Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
