I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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