my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
