i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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