So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
