I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
