I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
