I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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