Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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