Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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