His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
