I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
