i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
