and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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