I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
