I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
