I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
