Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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