i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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