FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
