i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
