I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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