she was so not down for the gang bang
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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