did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
