All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
