nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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