If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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