PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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