I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
