I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
