Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
