i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
