Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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