Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
